Mental Health

Depression

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This one is tough. I do not rank it as the most difficult of my issues though, but still tough. I have had it since 8th grade, but I did not believe it until very recently. When I finally decided to give counseling a try in college, I had to go through assessment like normal. I explained what was going on and how life is just incredibly difficult and I want to learn to deal with people and anxiety. My assessor asked me a few questions about my past with my family and I got instantly emotional and broke down. After a while of questions and answers, she asked me if I knew what depression was, and I gave her a very, well, amateur answer. I said it was overwhelming sadness and the inability to be motivated. She then told me that many of the symptoms I had, in that moment and from my past stories, “I believe you have depression, possibly severe.”

At that point I still was convinced I was too good to be depressed, but I knew she was right. I was not living in a good emotionally safe environment, mainly starting my eighth grade year. Being honest, I have self harmed, I have sat in my room and done nothing but stare and think for hours, and I did make two attempts on my life, which, thankfully, the first I stopped myself and the second I just failed miserably and I ended up fine. I still have cut scars, but I thought being smart enough to cut where they were hidden easily was “Not depression.” I thought me not caring to do the work I said I wanted to do because I just didn’t feel like it was “Not depression.” I thought me stopping and me failing on my attempts was “Not depression” since I haven’t made any more attempts since then. And I thought me not caring about things occasionally for long periods of time was, again, “Not depression.”

It took me weeks of counseling to figure out, yeah, I have it. I do occasionally have good control over it, but not always. So yeah, I didn’t ever want to think I was that bad, but I have depression and it’s apparently not something I can just go to school and shake off. It took me 5 years to get diagnosed, and a few months after that to be willing to try an anti depressant. Just like my ADD post, powerful meds that are supposed to control something this big scare me. Also side effects. I didn’t react as badly as I thought, although for a while in early 2017 I couldn’t eat a meal without throwing up and I got dizzy out of nowhere every day at the worst times. I also was tired a lot. Most of those have settled done now but I had to switch meds and so now I’m on a test run of this new stuff. I think it does have some effect. I used to fake my way throw life, you know the fake smile that hides any problems. Well, I can say that either became so common it is now just nature or I’m not as depressed anymore. Now the event of the past month has thrown me off but I can say I think it has been working up until that point.

It’s still difficult and I am going to counseling weekly to handle it, plus the extra visits since the latest event, and hopefully I can one day not say I Have Depression. It sucks honestly when sometimes it’s uncontrollable. I still have bad days, my mood can switch pretty fast if something traumatic or tragic happens, and it’s still so easy to hide and pretend it’s not a problem which, as I have recently learned, that doesn’t help it but rather makes it worse when you do finally address it, hence my major breakdown  last semester when I finally realised it was true and I had been ignoring it for years.

As I’ve said I’m on antidepressants and receiving counseling at least weekly now, at school and home. With my difficult parents, fixing it at home is going to be tough but at least I’m legally an adult and I don’t have to believe the emotional abuse. This past semester my counselor and I worked on how to deal with my family more calmly and skillfully so I could survive this summer and my progress has already been transferred to my home counselor so I can continue to deal with it. Otherwise working on the ling list of “Coping methods” I learned this semester can help, along with not hiding all details forever, no matter how much I wish to not talk about them.

Guys, it’s very easy to go out in public and smile and laugh and pretend everything is alright. But how are you actually surviving internally? Survival in the real world is everything; college, work, degrees, money, housing, society. Now, how are you supposed to survive if your mental state is nearly destroyed? And take advice from people. So many people, including my/our teacher Drew and a few of my other professors, have told me things like not worry so much and focus on healing myself. I’ve been hearing that advice a lot of my life, a lot in high school. Take that advice alright? It’s not fun when it finally kicks you down.

{Originally Posted from 1st blog: May 13th, 2017; Post is copy pasted, left untouched in the transference between blogs}

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