Mental Health

Generalised Anxiety Disorder

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So I’m starting this immediately after my last post. I think this one is the biggest distractor of my life. My last post explains how depression is a huge problem already but GAD is, in my opinion, much worse.

Basic summary: I worry too much. Remember my post about ADD? How my mind wanders? Well sometimes my mind wanders to things I need to do at the worse moments. I can be working on history and thing about English. I can be studying for math and remember I have to study psych too. Or I can be at work and think about all of my classes at once. Thinking so much makes me dizzy and makes me anxious. If I don’t stop the distractions enough, I panic. If I know that deadlines are approaching and time is limited, I flip. I’ve induced myself into panic and anxiety attacks countless times in high school and recently in college. Telling me not to worry about something makes me even more anxious and panicked (Sorry Drew) because all I do is worry about life.

I accept this one because at this point I’m so skilled in predicting attacks and how to at least make them not as damaging and I just accept that I worry too much. Depression I thought I could avoid. Avoiding worrying is just impossible for me. I didn’t need to be diagnosed with this one. Also we learned about GAD in psych class so I already know I have it and have had it.

I honestly have to say I blame a lot of it on my parents and society. Parents 1st: In elementary school, if I came home with a homework assignment that was not 100% or didn’t have a sticker on it, whether my mom or my dad (Separated since I was 3), I always had a “talk” about why we need to keep those grades perfect and how they will benefit you later in life. I got my 1st non straight A report card in 8th grade, the same time the “war” between my parents and corresponding families broke out (I’ll explain that one in a later post). It was in Algebra 1. My 3rd quarter report card was all As except for that one B. I was with my Dad 1st. I love him, but he’s scary when he’s mad, even still today. I was basically interrogated: what happened, how did my homework look, how much time did I study, did I try on the tests, am I having too much free time? When I went over to my Mom’s later, it was pretty similar only it was more “This is how you start failing and end up working in fast food all your life” type of conversation. Bottom line, I love my parents still, but once they got distracted in their “Adult family drama,” my emotional state just dropped, so did my efforts and sanity.

I believed everything they told me, and I still kinda do. My counselors are still trying to get me to believe that they are too strict and pushing me to do something incredibly difficult. When I got into high school, I was pushed to take AP and College and Duel Credit courses, and I did. I just started seeing more non As on my report card. That resulted in more angry parents. I honestly believe it’s impossible to impress them. I haven’t had a straight A report card in years, but I’ve gotten all As and Bs several times, a few Cs here and there, and like 4 Ds and Fs in my entire high school career. Guess who doesn’t think that was ever good enough? Every report card release was terror because even straight As and a B wasn’t good enough. High school became stressful. After learning of my parents’ expectations of me, I began trying, maybe a bit too hard. Anxiety attacks were not and still are not surprising for me. I sacrificed sleep often to make sure I knew something or had everything done. Even still, I don’t remember what it is like to have a straight A report card. at least I didn’t fail life all together, just a class or 2. I also did some pretty cool things, like be in the Panther Pride Marching Band, 1st chair of the PP Wind Ensemble, achieve Treasurer of Student Council 3 times, hold 2 different positions in the Key club (Community Service Club), volunteer and work with National Honor Society, and hang out with Special Needs Kids once a week. My parents a few times told me these activities were interfering with my grades and tried to make me quit. That was when I officially became a rebel and did everything behind their backs. It was funny when I got the school leadership award and scholarship because of my amazing involvement in these things. I also got in trouble but hey I got college cash so they let that one go.

Society is also good at this. Everything today is a competition: getting into college, getting a scholarship, graduating, surviving. I graduated high school with a 3.47 GPA and got into Mizzou easily. I still wanna do things, like find some student council-ish club and hold an office position and be in Marching Mizzou and still volunteer. I’m now a regular Humane Society visitor and volunteer and I do service events through Chi Alpha while also still being in the ministry and keeping up with religion and having a job. I was put on academic probation with my GPA fell low last semester. I had lots of life and mental issues going on, but I am still here, I just need to stay academically good to stay here. In high school everybody was pushed to get perfect grades and apply to the best colleges and get the most scholarships. Now even here, we’re still pushed to be perfect. I still believe all this sometimes, that you have to be perfect to be successful. Key source of my anxiety: Not being perfect.

Okay this turned into a rant back to real topic

But this is all true, I believe perfectionism is the key to success at all, even if it is screwing up my mental and emotional stability. Did I mention both my parents believe that mental illness and health is a lie and unimportant or necessary? That’s why they know absolutely nothing. They think I am actually getting straight As and studying 24/7 at Mizzou. They don’t know about the breakdowns or the cutting or life attempts or probation or counseling or meds. And I’m ok with that because it’s less drama and complaining to hear from them, but it is also stubborn that I can’t trust them with much of my life. As long as they think I’m succeeding, I am.

I really don’t have much control over stress, I admit I fail at dealing with it. My antidepressant is supposed to help with anxiety too but I still worry so much. I am starting to learn that one bad grade is not a crisis and not having a perfect grade is also not a crisis. How can I fix it? I honestly don’t know.

{Originally Posted from 1st blog: May 13th, 2017; Post is copy pasted, left untouched in the transference between blogs}

 

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