Fiction, Old

Without Doubt The Worst Pirate I’ve Ever Heard Of Chapter 1

So in Act 4 Scene 6, Horatio receives a letter from his pal Hamlet. The letter states that Hamlet was captured by pirates and is on his way back to Denmark. Here’s what really happened to Hamlet…

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern followed close behind Hamlet as they made their way to the ship that would bring them to England. Hamlet is unaware of the contents of Claudius’s letter. But Hamlet has no plans for giving up on avenging his father. He will eventually return to Denmark somehow. Which means he will somehow have to bribe the sailors taking him.

Hamlet stood against the railing of the boat they were on and examined the ocean. One of the sailors came over to him. “The waves are quite elegant, aren’t they?” Hamlet asked with a bright smile.

The sailor nodded. “Tis quite so, sir. Your friends claim you wish to go to England.”

“Have you read the letter they gave you?” Hamlet asked.

“Not yet. I will read that as soon as we set sail.”

Wonderful. “The letter contains the details.”

“Alright. We are preparing to depart now.”


The sailor walked away and Hamlet stared schemingly into the water. How am I getting off this? Those two idiots are over there watching me like a pair of dark ravens. I need to see what that letter really says. He looked back and saw the sailor he had talked to holding the letter. He looked further to his side and saw a bunch of barrels hanging in a net not too far above the center deck. Hamlet followed the rope up and around to the post he stood next to. Convenient. He pulled out the knife he snagged from another guy on the both and after making sure no one was watching, even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, he snapped the rope and the net and barrels fell. The crew went into a full panic and the sailor he had talked to stood back and started barking orders to clean up the mess. Hamlet casually walked over to the sailor and watched out and picked the letter from his uncle out of his back pocket. Nobody cared to notice him. Even the two idiots were helping to figure out what had happened. Hamlet stuffed the letter into his pocket and leaned stood next to the man he had just robbed. “Gracious what happened here?”

“Faulty hanging, weak ropes, both, who knows. Fret not, this won’t delay us, your highness.” He walked off to help pick up an end of the net and Hamlet decided to go to the room they said he could have would he get seasick. 

He set the lock and sat at the desk. He pulled out the letter and use his new knife to gently cut the royal seal off. It only took him a light skim to know that Claudius was not as stupid and careless as he seems. Claudius was not just going to leave him in England. He wanted someone to kill Hamlet immediately upon arrival.

Oh, this will not do, he thought. Hamlet searched the desk and found a pen and paper and began a new letter. He would have Rosencrantz and Guildenstern killed. Sure they were friends as children, but they were clearly for his bastard uncle and mother now. They will be killed and I will be returned home. I am simply here to examine their deaths. After a few minutes, he had the perfect letter. He rewrapped it and reapplied the royal seal. It actually looked like it was never opened. He took the previous letter, crumpled it up, and tossed it out the small window. He watched the paper wad fall and land gently in the light green seawater and waited until the wad was consumed and disintegrated by the water to know it was for sure destroyed. 

He walked back out to the deck with the new letter stashed in his pocket. The crew was hanging a new net for the barrels as the one sailor observed their work. He looked for the two idiots and realised they were still helping others. No one cared about him right now. He walked quickly but quietly up to the sailor and gently stuffed the new letter into his pocket. He immediately turned and walked back to the spot he found the water quite peaceful to observe. The sailor noticed absolutely nothing. Now he would just wait.

The barrels were finally hung and the ship was finally ready. “I am so sorry your highness for the delay. We are setting sail now. You remember where that room is right? In case-”

“Sir, I do not get seasick but I remember the room. I understand you are trying and doing your job well so all is forgiven I am not in a huge hurry.”

“Oh thank you, your highness.”

The boat jerked suddenly and soon they were on their way. Hamlet decided to stay in his spot and watch the water and waves for a bit. He was having a good time with no one bothering him until he realised he started feeling dizzy and sick. I don’t get seasick. He tried to ignore the feeling but the boat was moving and rocking quite rapidly. Damn, why now? He gave up and walked quickly to the room and locked the door. He laid down on the bed and prayed for a quick trip and that he wouldn’t throw up. He found it quite easy to fall asleep on a moving ship and was out quickly.

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