The Path is Not Clear

I’m sure it’s happened to everyone at one point in their lives or another. That moment when you sit down and just think. Think about life, about the future, about what you’re doing in the very present. I’m sure many have suddenly broken down into tears in their deep thoughts; at least, I hope I’m not the only one that does that.
In this most recent moment of silence, I have questioned all I am and all I’m doing. Where I am and where I’m going. None of it matches where I want to be. But now the problem is, I once knew my dream destination, but now I don’t.
My dream was to be a veterinarian first. That’s all I dreamed of since kindergarten. I spent years learning random facts about animals and learning science and researching the career, only to realise failing two chemistry classes was going to solidify my unacceptance into vet school. Trying my immediate (and only) backup, physics and astronomy, also failed since I failed the first level of calculus. In a last-minute decision, I switched to majoring in psychology. I came up with a dream life over the time of being in that major; I would be a part-time counselor and a part-time psychology researcher. Now here I am, crying in my mess of a room, not knowing if I genuinely want that anymore. This isn’t prompted by a failed class however, this is me considering I may simply not want that anymore. And now, all I can say is I don’t know. I’ve been told several times that I’m young, and I have time to figure it out, but society today puts too much pressure on knowing your future and goals early on. We’re taught to prepare something that will succeed, and a few places will tell us we need to be happy with our path as well. After weeks of doing almost nothing but thinking, I don’t know if I’m happy studying psychology anymore. Not as a career, at least. It’s almost painful, looking at a dream destination and suddenly not knowing if you even want to be there anymore.
I’ve only in the past few years discovered a passion for many forms of art. Mainly writing, but I’ve begun trying to draw again and have looked into casting calls for potential actors. I stopped all art because I looked at those around me with talent and years of practice, and I was assured I would never reach that level and much less be successful. Everything is about money and being able to afford to live today, so how could I possibly survive if I pursued anything like this? I work at Walmart to make a living, but this is not what I want to do forever. It was a dream briefly very long ago, but it has now resurfaced, the idea of being a full-time writer, artist, actor, musician, anything creative. But how will I be able to pay for my basic needs and a room to live in?
I don’t have a happy or spiritual ending for this. I no longer know where I’m going, or hardly where I am, and it’s hammering me with stress. Now for the 20th or so time in the month of May, I sit here in tears and confusion and uncertainty again, wishing it would just be easy to succeed, that I had talent or years of practice already, or that rent and utilities were several hundred dollars cheaper. And what a bizarre time to be considering this now with a pandemic around. Oh well, the breakdowns only end in headache, life could be worse.
Blessed Be- Raven

1 thought on “The Path is Not Clear”

  1. Emi Raven, I’m sorry about your dream career–I know it’s hard when the academic stars don’t align. Know you are more than what courses you took or what path you follow!

    Liked by 1 person

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