Lately, I haven’t felt very Christian. Part of me feels wrong for trying to tell myself I still am. I left the confines of conservative Christianity only a few years ago. In that time, all I had to do was believe what I was told, and that was that. Now in my time of seeing the real definition of Love, learning about “American Jesus”, and seeing the pure Chaos within the full Christian community, I question a lot. Why this religion of love is so hateful in many places. Why there are about hundreds of denominations, each claiming they are right and that everyone else is wrong. Why there are people willing to cause harm and even death to those who’s beliefs in the same religion are just a bit different. If we really do read from the same Bible, why does this harsh and deadly divide exist?
I believe in something, but today I can’t say what. My belief in the Christian God is less than before. It is not gone, just in a questionable state. I now see why many people say the Bible was written by man. I still believe something, or someone, influenced it, but maybe it is true that men altered it for their own gain. No one can even agree on how it was translated from it’s original written language. One passage will contradict another, one could strip rights away from an existing human and another says “Everyone is created in God’s image”. It is more and more apparent that some people pray and hear their responses in the way they read their Bible. I stopped listening to the people that say to me, “I’ve heard God and He wants you to stop being queer or He can’t let you into Heaven.” Other’s say God is proud of me being what They made me. But how can people listening to the same God hear two different things?
I can no longer see myself as a follower of the Christian religion. I will not be able to carry that label again until everyone under that title finally finds peace together. The religions that have formed from the same book seem so skewed now that I can see them all at once. I feel upset I let my mind get too open for this reason. Once a conservative, now a progressive, and becoming a target as a progressive. Seeing the absurd acts done in the name of God and Jesus daily on the news makes me embarrassed to admit I am a Christian to anyone around me. When someone thinks of a modern-day Christian, their first thoughts usually go to the conservative Christians since they are the loudest, the most violent, and have had their way with no questions for a long time. I don’t want to think that I believe in the same God as the hateful or the controlling ones, but by technicality, we do.
I have removed the label of Christian Witch from my blog. Not a noticeable change for many, but a major one for me. In the heat of the political and religious crisis going on in America, and in other places of the world, I have too many doubts to be able to carry that label fully anymore. I still practice witchcraft, I still study other religions and paths, and I will still continue to have an open mind to the things I know nothing about. I will still attend my church most Sundays because of their progressiveness and dedication to love and kindness and learning. Also, I love the church that I found, I couldn’t bring myself to break away completely like other churches in the past. However, I will be in attendance as a simple spiritual agnostic. Honestly, I think I have been a spiritual agnostic for some time now, I just didn’t want to admit it because I don’t want to leave Christianity completely. I’ve been told by my therapists and several spiritual and open-minded people that I don’t have to exactly “Leave” my religion, just abandon the toxic parts and follow it in a way that helps me.
Over the last two years, I’ve listened more to my mental health. I learn to start thinking for myself and in no time at all, I overthink and question everything, even my own contentedness in my life. Where I was once excellent and unbreakable in customer service, I have fallen significantly. Social anxiety, and anxiety in general, has risen exponentially in me, being out in public is such a challenge now. Yes, the pandemic has some to do with it, but I know my anxiety has been rising since long before Corona; the virus possibly just helped it escalate faster. My increase in migraines during the second half of 2020 can mostly be linked to my own stress, anxiety, and paranoia. I also know the other reason I’ve had more migraines is that I spend a lot of my waking time in front of a computer screen, trying to write or read for a living so I don’t have to go back to my retail job ever again. Oh, and the negativity that has encompassed my job? My once best job at Walmart now fills me with depression and extreme mental exhaustion. And I’m not the only associate feeling it across the company, but that’s a long story I will mention later.
My future is changing so much in such a short time, and the trip is nothing but anxiety. My feelings and fear of betraying my own faith and my surge of mental and physical ailments are making me tired. I thought I could ignore everything, but now I’m having mental breakdowns and panic attacks at work and in public. I’m having random outbursts of emotional meltdowns when thinking about the future and my faith too deeply. Prayer seems to not work as well as it once did for me, It’s scary, feeling like you’re losing yourself. Even if you barely know yourself in the first place.