Mental Health

Surviving, Again

It’s been a year since the shooting that happened during a completely normal nightshift. Last year, mid January, a customer was attempting to break into locked cases in electronics. When he got caught, he yelled at the manager for a few minutes before existing the store and firing at the front grocery doors.

I’ve learned a lot in the past couple weeks, the biggest being that my PTSD is much worse than I thought. I don’t understand why I have forgotten about this for months but the moment I am reminded of it near its anniversary, it’s as if it just happened. The nightmares came back, much more intense than they were last year. They’ve been quite disturbing and some have felt way too real for comfort.

Being at my workplace is even worse. The one hour when customers are still in the store was almost unbearable. I asked to not be put in grocery or electronics since those are the areas the entire event took place. I felt much better being on the other side of the store, but I still felt very uncomfortable and anxious anytime a customer got in my line of sight. I didn’t realise how much I was shaking until I noticed I couldn’t even make a clean cut through tape on a box. Any sudden popping sound startled and momentarily stunned me, me, from a bottle of fish food falling off the shelf to the tossing of a pallet.

Here I am hating my job significantly more. This time it’s from an event no one had control over. I know over the years my skills in customer service and stranger interaction have been on a steady decline, but after all the events of 2020, I think it’s safe to say that they are next to nothing. A shooting out of rage in my workplace, the pandemic, the election, the BLM movement, only a few of the many events to make me even dread leaving my apartment. All the jobs I research in my time off are all remote and work from home jobs. The US and the world has become so dangerous and undesirable to live in. We’ve barely survived a year.

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