Anxiety rising, panic attack imminent. Spent too much time practicing for an unpredictable future. Everything is due; the work, the bills, the assignments. Calendar is too full, it’s there to have the information visible, but still trying to memorize all 30 days. Got a client to meet, a lesson right after. A paper to edit, plus income to document. Don’t bother thinking about the tax calculations until it’s actually important, easier said than done.
I can’t remember the numbers I just read less than 10 seconds ago, gotta go back and find them. Caught off guard by the fan turning on, that’s at least 7 seconds wasted by distraction. Set my water on the wrong side of my laptop, I’m frustrated for only a moment, fix it now. An email comes in, not either of my work emails, distraction. I’ve been reading unimportant emails for 4 minutes, get back to the current task. I look for my caffeinated drinks mug, but forgot I drank it all hours ago. Doesn’t hurt to try for a drop, but of course it’s dry, I know it’s dry, why did I bother?
My vision is acting weird. It was fine when I was delivering for 5 hours. Maybe it’s all the time spent looking for the right window out of 13 active windows, followed by looking for the right tab when all 20 of them are so squished up. I was pulling up lyrics for a song for Music Monday. Or, wait, no. I was looking for the research tab for a myth I was to reference on my sci-fy novel. But not the novel on my mind, the other novel I started when I should have been working on the first novel. Too many novels have been started, but none have been finished. The finish seems impossible now. I’m on the wrong window, get back to the other window.
Too much noise. Enough! Pause Freeze. Halt. I look frantically for my headphones. I don’t remember putting them on the floor. Oh well, I can see them at least. Stuff the aux port into my fun laptop behind me. The headphones are nice and cushioned, sound canceling gaming headphones. The sound is nice so I use them for more than just games. I go to the youtube tab, I never dare to X it out, it’s simpler to keep it tabbed, like everything else on my mind.
What do I feel like listening to? What does Youtube recommend. Kamelot’s Liar Liar music video is recommended. How many times have I watched that? Napalm Records has many new videos out. There are 3 Nightwish videos recommended. An Orden Ogan music video from their latest album release that I keep telling myself I’ll watch, but keep forgetting, or keep getting distracted, or both. More Kamelot videos, I think Youtube wants me to know I watch them too much. A few Powerwolf videos, theirs are always so dark, but so fascinating. Dragonforce lyric video, haven’t heard Dragonforce in a while. Is that an Imperial Age lyric video? And of course there is the full score for Halo 3. I love the music from video games, but this is a mad brain moment. I need lyrics to focus on, or else my mind will only wander back to work. Oh look, Beast in Black. And Dynazty. And so many more, I can hear the first measure of almost every suggested video I see. There are some I don’t recognise. Aether Realm? I don’t know much of them, but I’ll watch that later. Need something familiar now. Thanks for the recommendations Youtube, I know I can always count on you. I select one music video at random. Ads, of course, let them go by.
Of course I know the song, not many metal songs I haven’t heard at least once by now. Still, I can’t remember the lyrics that go with the familiar song. It’s ok, I’ll hear them soon. Familiar notes immediately, I recognize that guitar and bass rift. I remember how this music video begins, the good stuff comes later in the song. My mind makes a desperate attempt to go back to my work. No, need to chill for a bit. Music only, no work, for a bit. Half an hour? An hour? Should I set an alarm to remind myself to get back to work? Music’s already started, the plot of the video is already kicked off. I missed a bit of lyrics thinking too much about life, I’m restarting the video. Something this good needs to be seen in whole.
It takes effort, but I finally have my mind only on the youtube video in front of me. A few minutes of telling myself to shut up so I can enjoy the perfect artistic creation in front of me. Need to restart the video, but this time my mind is on that screen, not my others. Things have quieted down. The characters bang their heads to their own tune, I feel it all. The gaming headphones really pick up every sound wonderfully. I notice a tiny, probably insignificant little detail in the video that I somehow missed the first 10 times I watched it. That’s neat. My mind is finally focused on one thing. Well, maybe not one thing. The music of each instrument including the offscreen symphony, the lyrics, the story unfolding. Of course I don’t notice this, but it is true: I’m finally relaxed. I pay attention to the power metal music video, nothing else. Not my calendar, not my work email, not my blog, not my google docs full of unfinished science fiction and fantasy nonsense, not my delivery apps.
My head got too loud again. I’m no longer surprised, that’s a daily occurrence by now. I had to quiet myself, take what people like to call, a break. The music calms me. Music is the only thing that can truly calm me down anymore. But it works. I’ll spend the time I need to take immersed in the music that I love. Music has become my lifesaver. It’s similar to my daily antidepressants, I need it every day in order to function normally, mind and brain and all. Something so loud and powerful like one’s favourite music can make everything so much quieter and peaceful when the silence is needed most.
In the heart of the music, surrounded by rythym and words, getting lost in the notes that silence the loud mind, Blessed Be.