Anxiety rising, panic attack imminent. Spent too much time practicing for an unpredictable future. Everything is due; the work, the bills, the assignments. Calendar is too full, it’s there to have the information visible, but still trying to memorize all 30 days. Got a client to meet, a lesson right after. A paper to edit, plus income to document. Don’t bother thinking about the tax calculations until it’s actually important, easier said than done. I’ll regret that statement a thousand times over in the future.
I can’t remember the numbers I just read less than 10 seconds ago, gotta go back and find them. Caught off guard by the fan turning on, that’s at least 7 seconds wasted by distraction. Set my water on the wrong side of my laptop, I’m frustrated for only a moment, fix it now. An email comes in, not either of my work emails, distraction. I’ve been reading unimportant emails for 4 minutes, get back to the current task. I look for my caffeinated drinks mug, but forgot I drank it all hours ago. Doesn’t hurt to try for a drop, but of course it’s dry, I know it’s dry, why did I bother?
My vision is fogging, it was fine driving for 5 hours. Maybe it’s all the time spent looking for the right window out of 13 active windows, followed by looking for the right tab when all 20 of them are so squished up. So many random song lyrics tabbed up. Or, wait, no. I’m supposed to be looking for the research tab for a myth I was to reference on my sci-fi novel. But not the novel in my mind, the other novel I started when I should have been working on the first novel. Too many novels have been started, but none have been finished. The finish seems impossible now. I want something finished. I’m on the wrong window, get back to the other window.
Too much noise. Enough! Pause Freeze. Halt. I look frantically for my headphones. I don’t remember putting them on the floor. Oh well, I can see them at least. Stuff the aux port into my fun laptop behind me. The headphones are nice and cushioned, sound-canceling gaming headphones. The sound is good for this level panic. I go to the youtube tab, I never dare to X it out, it’s simpler to keep it tabbed, like everything else on my mind.
What do I feel like listening to? What does Youtube recommend? I need lyrics to focus on, or else my mind will only wander back to work. Familiar notes immediately. My mind makes a desperate attempt to go back to my work. No, I need to chill for a bit. Music only, no work, for a bit. Half an hour? An hour? A minute? Should I set an alarm to remind myself to get back to work? Music’s already started, I just thought about setting a timer for five minutes instead of doing it.
It’ll pass. The anxiety will be back again soon, but it’ll pass to let me work again for another hour. Maybe. The music helps. It’s one of the few things that actually helps. It’s loud in my mind all the time. It’ll never be silent but music gives a short break from the cacophony. It’ll do.